I recently celebrated my 25th birthday. In my mom's clever observation and words, "soy misma como un quarter...like the money kind." And I think I can guess that most people will assume I'm going to go on some long-winded rant about my existentential/quarter-life crisis. In the words of Trump, "not true".
Trying to express yourself is a lot like picking a scab. Given, it's a messier form of catharsis, but there's a form of relief you feel after it's said and done. I can't tell you where my mind has been these past couple of months. I know I'm not well, but somehow I'm still finding a way to function.
I'm no anomaly; I won't attempt to say I'm doing anything special either. I constantly feel as if I'm in a state of transition, for better or worse. I'm not sure what to make of it so I think that's why I'm writing about it to see where it takes me.
Wednesday, October 19, 2016
Monday, June 20, 2016
These Are My Confessions: I'm An Asshole
"I suppose you operate in a no friend zone too lol". I was on a roll. Twice within the week I had both directly and indirectly earned the "Shitty Person Award". I don't blame these people. It was a title I had rightfully earned and deserved. Most people have no problem highlighting the best things about themselves. We can go on and on if people let us. Heck, we'd probably even think of more great things to share about ourselves as we're speaking. It's easy to share the good things; the bad things are often swept under the rug.
I'd consider myself a private person. And I don't just say this because I've been a bit of a social media hermit lately. I hold a lot in (and no, this isn't my lame attempt to make a fart joke although I did consider it). I don't like confrontation. Some might say this has allowed me to have somewhat of a diplomatic demeanor, but I know I don't say or do things for the beloved idea of diplomacy. I withhold feelings, opinions, and anything else that might potentially cause more problems. As the years pass, this has become the elephant in the room I refuse to directly address. Noticing a pattern here? I always assumed that if I told people what they wanted to hear there would be no other alternative to a happily ever after. If for some strange reason that wasn't looking like it'd work out, I'd find a way to manipulate the situation so I could victimize myself (dick move, I know... I'm not proud of this either).
The first time I broke a guy's heart was in 7th grade. I didn't have the guts to tell the guy I was no longer interested. The idea of directly telling him I didn't like him anymore made me uneasy. The easier (and less confrontational) alternative was to make it seem like I had no other option but to break up with him because he was being too clingy or jealous. This was far from the truth, and I was too much of a pussy to admit it then. Fast forward to my dating encounters as a recent high school graduate. My non-direct, manipulative tendencies continued to fester well into my young adulthood years. I lacked direction, consistency, and an inability to effectively communicate despite having a day job as a teacher and later counselor. I should probably start practicing what I preach, huh? I've found myself on both the dishing and receiving end of heartbreak. However, upon further reflection, both sides to these experiences are a result of my own actions that I've refused to acknowledge up until recently.
It's an ugly feeling to come to the realization that I can't maintain healthy or meaningful relationships because I have a combined fear of commitment and habit of shutting out the most well-intended people. You might be inclined to ask what kind of person does that. Assholes, that's who. To approach the feelings of others with the same reckless abandon I was showing towards the food I hid in my room was to intentionally cultivate a recipe for disaster (pun very much intended btw). I'll shamelessly admit I'm an asshole. I'd like to think this is why karma found it necessary to have me also cross paths with guys that ghosted me, had a lack of respect, were unavailable or had a combination of the three. You get what you give, right? It's both liberating and concerning to acknowledge this aspect of myself. I won't say calling myself an asshole is necessary, but it's one part of the ugly truth I needed to come to terms with. Now, accepting something for what it is in the grander scheme of things is the easy part I believe. The hard part is doing something about it. I'm tempted to close with the cliche happy ending and say this is the rebirth of the "New Stacey", but I know this is one of those things that's easier said than done.
I'm not saying I won't make an effort to change, but I know I'll have to learn to be alright with taking things one step or day at a time as well. As the saying goes, "slow and steady wins the race". For this race, however, I think it's in the best interest of others' feelings I go at it alone this time.
I'd consider myself a private person. And I don't just say this because I've been a bit of a social media hermit lately. I hold a lot in (and no, this isn't my lame attempt to make a fart joke although I did consider it). I don't like confrontation. Some might say this has allowed me to have somewhat of a diplomatic demeanor, but I know I don't say or do things for the beloved idea of diplomacy. I withhold feelings, opinions, and anything else that might potentially cause more problems. As the years pass, this has become the elephant in the room I refuse to directly address. Noticing a pattern here? I always assumed that if I told people what they wanted to hear there would be no other alternative to a happily ever after. If for some strange reason that wasn't looking like it'd work out, I'd find a way to manipulate the situation so I could victimize myself (dick move, I know... I'm not proud of this either).
The first time I broke a guy's heart was in 7th grade. I didn't have the guts to tell the guy I was no longer interested. The idea of directly telling him I didn't like him anymore made me uneasy. The easier (and less confrontational) alternative was to make it seem like I had no other option but to break up with him because he was being too clingy or jealous. This was far from the truth, and I was too much of a pussy to admit it then. Fast forward to my dating encounters as a recent high school graduate. My non-direct, manipulative tendencies continued to fester well into my young adulthood years. I lacked direction, consistency, and an inability to effectively communicate despite having a day job as a teacher and later counselor. I should probably start practicing what I preach, huh? I've found myself on both the dishing and receiving end of heartbreak. However, upon further reflection, both sides to these experiences are a result of my own actions that I've refused to acknowledge up until recently.
It's an ugly feeling to come to the realization that I can't maintain healthy or meaningful relationships because I have a combined fear of commitment and habit of shutting out the most well-intended people. You might be inclined to ask what kind of person does that. Assholes, that's who. To approach the feelings of others with the same reckless abandon I was showing towards the food I hid in my room was to intentionally cultivate a recipe for disaster (pun very much intended btw). I'll shamelessly admit I'm an asshole. I'd like to think this is why karma found it necessary to have me also cross paths with guys that ghosted me, had a lack of respect, were unavailable or had a combination of the three. You get what you give, right? It's both liberating and concerning to acknowledge this aspect of myself. I won't say calling myself an asshole is necessary, but it's one part of the ugly truth I needed to come to terms with. Now, accepting something for what it is in the grander scheme of things is the easy part I believe. The hard part is doing something about it. I'm tempted to close with the cliche happy ending and say this is the rebirth of the "New Stacey", but I know this is one of those things that's easier said than done.
I'm not saying I won't make an effort to change, but I know I'll have to learn to be alright with taking things one step or day at a time as well. As the saying goes, "slow and steady wins the race". For this race, however, I think it's in the best interest of others' feelings I go at it alone this time.
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