"If you looking for love, let me tell you what I'm looking for..."
Let me chronicle the history of my relationships. I'd like to say I'm doing this more for others' understanding of my self, but I know that's not true. As with many defining moments, it started with my middle school insecure self. Guy 1 was the first boy to pay attention to me and directly tell me he liked me without getting one of his buddies to deliver the message. He wasn't afraid to show affection, didn't hesitate to tell me how he felt, and moreover, he was consistent. The relationship was brief but definitely set the stage for future relationships.
Fast forward past my middle school "dating days", and you arrive at my high school years. I can honestly say Guy 2 was my first love. We did everything together, and I had a chance to take on the role of nurturer. It was a fitting role because I tried to cater to his every need. Although there were a few instances along the way that were developmentally defining (e.g. how I would later handle criticism, skepticism towards relationships in general, and essentially trusting others), I'd like to think that there was much I learned to take away from this relationship. It was far from easy, but eventually I was able to find middle ground in finding ways to deal with our breakup.
It's now the later part of my high school years, and my attention has yet again been captivated. Guy 3 has won me over with his attention to detail and an unforgiving free spirit. I loved that I could be myself around him, further, that I was able to feel alive when I was with him. Considering that we had started dating in the later part of my high school years, my daily life was pretty hectic. From club meetings, to sporting events, night school, and balancing a social life, this often caused a lot of friction in the relationship. I was questioned as to why I was doing the things I did and not slowing down. This hit on a personal level because this form of questioning had carried over from my previous relationships. It was like adding salt to a wound. I resented having to justify why I went about doing the things I did. I didn't feel it necessary to explain myself as to why I was living life fast (according to their observations). I wanted to draw on the example of a runner. Every runner has a tempo and a certain level of endurance. As any runner knows, endurance is developed with time, and tempo is contingent on the individual. Needless to say, any of the serious relationships I've attempted to partake in have had issues with this.
I don't go on to contend or declare that this is why I'm single; rather, I go on to contend that this is why I continue to prefer to set my own tempo. As much as I'd like to use the cliché of "being single is a choice", I know that to not be true. My singledom is a result of a series of events. From being the jerk that wasn't assertive enough to tell a guy I really wasn't interested in committing to a relationship, experiencing the flip-side where many guys did an excellent job of playing the "fade out" game (I'm sure karma loved this), and even just being indifferent to the whole concept of dating and relationships, I know the counter argument would be that my faulty relationships and lack of trust is what's contributed to my inability to find a guy (because that seems to be some sort of life milestone these days). And as much as I'd like to repeat the phases of social media empowerment, I'd prefer not to.
(No shame in admitting you've done this before...I'm just as guilty) You know what I'm talking about. First, it's the self-righteous tumblr memes. If you're a girl, the meme usually includes something about independence and being self sufficient. If you're a guy, the meme typically includes something about Netflix, the gym, and having a "special girl" to change up this coveted routine of theirs. Once we get past the memes, there's usually a flurry of gym/workout posts (I'm guilty of some sweaty workout selfies too). It eventually cycles back to some late night self-pitying posts as to how they'll never find "the one"...and then it repeats. At some point or another we've been there. I'm commonly told my status as a person that's single is "just a phase", and I'll eventually meet a guy that makes me happy. And although I'd genuinely love to say my cats, students, and Starbucks seem to fill the void just fine, I usually just acknowledge their concern with a curt "thanks" and smile.
I know my initial intention in writing this was to look back at my relationship patterns, but I can't help but acknowledge some thoughts I have in regards to relationships. I admire and appreciate the many beautiful relationships some of my friends and acquaintances continue to be a part of. Many of you have some gorgeous looking kids...and pets. I think it's great that you've managed to find your "other half" so to speak. To my single pringles out there, thanks for keeping it real out there. It's not easy binge watching Netflix, deflecting questions about relationships, and working as well ( I kid, I kid...you and I both know there's more to a single person's life). At this point, I'm sure many are anticipating the onset of a single woman's rant about love and dating, but I'll spare you the word vomit and need to get all self-righteous on you. Lucky for you, I don't have a personal vendetta against the concept of love, dating, and relationships. I don't attempt to deny that it's real or exists either. I see proof of this every day; however, I know finding "the one" currently isn't my priority. Will it be a priority later? Maybe...maybe not. I don't trust myself as a psychic enough to say for sure. Now, I'm not saying this is an absolute truth for all women either. It's just what I've come to experience thus far. I love that I can devote my time and energy to close friends and family. I also have no shame in admitting that I'm in love with the work I do and the content I willingly choose to study.
To both single and monogamous individuals, I applaud you. We lead similar but different lifestyles. And as much as I'd like to indulge in the idea that one relationship status is superior to the other, I'd rather avoid making things more complicated than they may already be. As Kid Cudi once noted, " the ones that make it complicated never get congratulated."
Now, excuse me while I discreetly look up tumblr memes.
