I google a lot of things. As a fan of research, I like to learn things that work for others and might work for me. Sometimes I google things like "how to properly cut a watermelon", and other times I google things like "how to not sweat when eating spicy food” (Editor’s note: There is no cure-all to avoid sweating when eating spicy food. Google told me.) Even when things get tough, I know I can count on google to give some form of an answer. Recently, I googled "how to not give up". When my results were displayed from my search, I could opt to read a Wiki Answers version of being resilient, I could read an opinion piece on why giving up is not as bad as it is made out to be, or I could read the stats of individuals that deliberately cultivated what Psychology Today explained as "learned helplessness". I've encountered numerous occasions where I wanted to give up and "throw in the towel" so to speak. Am I at a point where I want to give up? Of course...however, as my mother says, there's a difference between wanting and doing something. There was a time (and occasionally still is) where I'd disclose my goals only to be shut down and told I'm "doing too much". At times, I felt hopeless at the onset of my career in education where I felt I worked twice as hard only to feel as if I had remained stagnant. Nothing came of my efforts as things often did when I even tried to maintain a romantic relationship. Will I give up everything I've worked so hard for? Of course not. For many of the things that have and do make me feel like I should give up, it is often because I feel like I'm running on a treadmill. I'm getting nowhere faster.
In 1965, a scientist named Martin Seligman started shocking dogs. Although I doubt IRB would have approved this now, he managed to unethically gather results from this study (Eh, see what I did there? I failed ethics for my comprehensive exam, so I'm simultaneously brushing up on my ethics). He put dogs in a cage that had two sides separated by a wall. He shocked the floor of the cage, which led to dogs jumping over the wall to the other side of the cage to escape the shock. Then he took some dogs and strapped them into a hammock that gave them the shock. At first, the dogs tried to jump to avoid the shock, but they could not escape from the shock since they were strapped into the hammock. Later, even when he took these dogs out of the hammock and put them in the cage with the possibility to jump over the wall and escape the shock, these dogs laid down and passively got shocked without even trying to escape. The dogs had learned that nothing that they did allowed them to escape the shock so they gave up even trying.
Although I can't wholeheartedly say I've never experienced "learned helplessness", research points to a connection with depression. I've yet to formally be diagnosed with depression; however, if I were to receive some form of this diagnosis, I can't say I'd be surprised either. It's not something that's changed my eating or sleeping habits (in case you're beginning to pull out the DSM-V...this has not been occurring consistently for two weeks either), nor has it affected my day-to-day functioning. Having insight on mental health also helps with knowing the difference between positive and negative coping mechanisms. As much as I'm tempted to wallow in self-pity, I try my best to refrain from indulging in it as often as I'd like to. I'd like to think I primarily orient from an optimistic perspective. In doing so, I think this prevents me from digging myself into a much deeper hole than it needs to be. Despite having a solution focused theoretical orientation, I still believe in the power of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and changing maladaptive thoughts to positive ones. Time and time again, I catch myself falling into the pit of endless types of cognitive distortions (Guess what other comps section I failed?) However, I continuously make it a point to self-monitor what I’m allowing myself to believe. If you were to ask my grandmother to provide one word to describe to me, she’d probably say “terca”. I’d like to think this is synonymous with ruthless; however, the latter seems to have a more positive connotation. In all that I do, whether perceived as impulsive or not (turns out research linked this trait to anxiety), I am ruthless in pursing what I feel will benefit the greater good of my family. I understand there are policies, laws, rules, guidelines, systemic regulations, and a slew of other 100 page documents that dictate the life I lead in some shape of form that need to be taken into consideration, but I genuinely believe that the universe will eventually conspire in my favor regardless if people view my actions as reckless or insensitive. I don’t intend to come off as brash, nor do I ask for exception from the majority, but I’m also aware that I lead a very different life from others, as do my classmates, and the other professors that serve in this counselor educator program. To each their own- as one of my former teachers would say. I sincerely believe that each individual is capable of choosing their own destiny and educating themselves about solutions and possible consequences of their actions.
So what now? Well for starters, I continue to run the trails, process this in my personal journal, and self-monitor. I eagerly await the days that I’m afforded the opportunity to reflect on the person I’m becoming and have become. Till then, I’ll graciously continue to indulge in my love of learning and set my own pace for accomplishing goals I see fit.
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