Goal Digger

One day, when I was 14, I waltzed into my family's living room and proudly announced to my mother and father that I wanted to attend college with my older sister. Better yet, I wanted to graduate with a college degree before high school. My sister and I had finally stopped bickering over the remote control, and she had stopped kicking me out of her room when she blasted Ja Rule over the radio (this alone was a personal victory). My mom didn't take much notice, and my dad was preoccupied with a bowl of arroz or something. Mind you, I had no idea how to even initiate the process for dual-enrollment courses, nor was I a self-proclaimed guru on navigating the higher education system. Heck, I came from a family of farmers. My family’s expertise lay in applying fertilizer not applying for college. At the time, I'm sure they didn't think much of what I said.

But for the remainder of my high school career, this purpose and my family’s encouragement influenced all of my life's decisions: What I studied in school, who I connected with, and how I spent my summers and vacations. I stayed “hungry” as Steve Jobs once noted.

And now, five years after high school, I managed to finish my college degree prior to high school and will graduate with my master's degree this summer. In the next few years, I plan to pursue a doctoral degree.

Don't get me wrong. I maintained a social life, was involved in a romantic relationship at one point, and enjoyed just about all the highs and lows the onset of my teenage years brought.

Despite my initial initiative, I’m far from having a definite proclamation as to how my life will play out. Most of us draw blanks when it comes to identifying how we want to lead our lives. Even after we finish school. Even after we get a job. Even after we’re making money. Between ages 15 and 21, I changed career aspirations more often than I changed my underwear. And even after I had completed my undergraduate coursework, it wasn’t until I had some meaningful conversations with past and present mentors that I clearly defined what I wanted for my life in the meantime. It’s understood that even what is planned, should be flexible to a change in circumstances as well.

It’s called a quarter life crisis for a reason. Then again, these types of things aren’t limited to people that are only a quarter of a century old. “What’s next?” “What gives my life meaning?” “What do I not suck at?” I often get asked how I have it all figured out. Yet, that is VERY far from the truth.

I suppose part of the problem is the concept of “life purpose” itself. The notion that we were each born for some transcendental purpose and it’s now our duty (heh, duty) to find it. This is the same kind of crummy logic used to justify things like spirit animals or that someone’s lucky number is 69 (but only on Wednesdays or during leap years).

Here is the reality of things. We co-exist on this earth for some unspecified amount of time. During that time we do stuff. Some of this stuff is important. Some of them are unimportant. And that important stuff gives our lives meaning and happiness. The unimportant ones basically help pass the time. This isn’t to discredit the fact that we each have some form of a higher being or god that we may or may not call on to guide us, but I use the term loosely on the chance that not everyone adheres to a similar religion (trying to put my multicultural counseling skills to use here).

So when people say, “What should I do next?” or “What is my calling?” what they’re actually thinking is: “What is worth my time?”

This is a better question to ask. It’s easier to dissect and doesn’t weigh so heavy on the heart. There’s no reason for people to be contemplating their life’s worth while sitting on their couch all day eating Doritos (No offense to Doritos. They really are great with bean dip). Rather, people should be getting off their butt and discovering what feels important to them.

Now what could possibly be my rationale for rambling about all of this? Bear with me on this. I have a point. I promise.

Everything deserved comes with some form of sacrifice. Everything includes some sort of cost. Nothing is blissful 24/7. So the question becomes: What is an individual willing to do to make their dreams a reality? Essentially, the hunger and amount of ambition towards realizing our goals to fruition (in most circumstances) is our ability to ruthlessly pursue it amidst the good AND the bad.

If an individual wants to rap and make soul beats just like that (thanks Kanye), but they can’t handle failure, then they’re not going to make it far. If someone wants to be a professional writer, but they aren’t willing to see their work rejected far more than it’s accepted, then they’re done before they have begun. If someone wants to be a big-time entrepreneur, but can’t stand the grind of grueling hours, then I’ve got bad news for those individuals.

Mind you, regardless of what endeavor a person decides to pursue, they’re going to initially suck at it. Very rarely will an individual be a pro at things their first time around (thanks for that false sense of hope Chuck Norris). With that in mind, there will be many embarrassing moments that follow improving one’s craft. It goes along with being vulnerable.

I feel the need to rant about yet another thing because I feel as if this is a common occurrence in not just my life but also the lives of others around me. There’s a fear of embarrassment, of failure, of not doing something at the “right” time…who is to dictate what is and is not “appropriate”?

It may come off as spiteful, but I have no shame in admitting that nothing is more upsetting to hear than learning of someone that has limited either themselves or others before they’ve even had a chance to attempt it.

We become so fixated in preventing others from failing because we feel as if we’re doing them a favor, but I think there is much to be learned from the not so glamorous parts on becoming the person an individual genuinely feels they were meant to be. I have no shame in saying I’ve failed a number of things. I failed my drivers ed test (I promise I’ve gotten better…kinda). I failed a few fitness exams in middle school; however, that’s mainly because push-ups are the devil. I’ve failed at a few romantic endeavors. Right now? I’ve failed a pretty important exam in the counseling program. Did it suck? Most definitely. Were there some bruises sustained to my ego along the way? You bet. Yet, right now I rest easy in knowing I’m going to do everything in my power to overcome these challenges and setbacks. The struggle is real as my middle school students used to say. I have my reasons for leading the life I lead, but I make it a point to have my reasons based off of my personal preferences and not the preferences of others.

The things that are worthwhile, by default, go against the grain and may be perceived as quirky and unorthodox. As a result, to accomplish these dreams, a person has to be every bit of willing to cease being yet another sheep in the herd. And to follow through on this is daunting.

I close with this. Discovering what one is “called” to do comes down to finding those things that allow time to stand still and still find something that transcends this current lifetime. Essentially, to find that something to continue working towards that can be imagined in a world where that person no longer exists. 

Google, you 'da' real MVP

I google a lot of things. As a fan of research, I like to learn things that work for others and might work for me. Sometimes I google things like "how to properly cut a watermelon", and other times I google things like "how to not sweat when eating spicy food” (Editor’s note: There is no cure-all to avoid sweating when eating spicy food. Google told me.) Even when things get tough, I know I can count on google to give some form of an answer. Recently, I googled "how to not give up". When my results were displayed from my search, I could opt to read a Wiki Answers version of being resilient, I could read an opinion piece on why giving up is not as bad as it is made out to be, or I could read the stats of individuals that deliberately cultivated what Psychology Today explained as "learned helplessness". I've encountered numerous occasions where I wanted to give up and "throw in the towel" so to speak. Am I at a point where I want to give up? Of course...however, as my mother says, there's a difference between wanting and doing something. There was a time (and occasionally still is) where I'd disclose my goals only to be shut down and told I'm "doing too much". At times, I felt hopeless at the onset of my career in education where I felt I worked twice as hard only to feel as if I had remained stagnant. Nothing came of my efforts as things often did when I even tried to maintain a romantic relationship. Will I give up everything I've worked so hard for? Of course not.  For many of the things that have and do make me feel like I should give up, it is often because I feel like I'm running on a treadmill. I'm getting nowhere faster.

In 1965, a scientist named Martin Seligman started shocking dogs. Although I doubt IRB would have approved this now, he managed to unethically gather results from this study (Eh, see what I did there? I failed ethics for my comprehensive exam, so I'm simultaneously brushing up on my ethics). He put dogs in a cage that had two sides separated by a wall. He shocked the floor of the cage, which led to dogs jumping over the wall to the other side of the cage to escape the shock. Then he took some dogs and strapped them into a hammock that gave them the shock. At first, the dogs tried to jump to avoid the shock, but they could not escape from the shock since they were strapped into the hammock. Later, even when he took these dogs out of the hammock and put them in the cage with the possibility to jump over the wall and escape the shock, these dogs laid down and passively got shocked without even trying to escape. The dogs had learned that nothing that they did allowed them to escape the shock so they gave up even trying.

Although I can't wholeheartedly say I've never experienced "learned helplessness", research points to a connection with depression. I've yet to formally be diagnosed with depression; however, if I were to receive some form of this diagnosis, I can't say I'd be surprised either. It's not something that's changed my eating or sleeping habits (in case you're beginning to pull out the DSM-V...this has not been occurring consistently for two weeks either), nor has it affected my day-to-day functioning. Having insight on mental health also helps with knowing the difference between positive and negative coping mechanisms. As much as I'm tempted to wallow in self-pity, I try my best to refrain from indulging in it as often as I'd like to. I'd like to think I primarily orient from an optimistic perspective. In doing so, I think this prevents me from digging myself into a much deeper hole than it needs to be. Despite having a solution focused theoretical orientation, I still believe in the power of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and changing maladaptive thoughts to positive ones. Time and time again, I catch myself falling into the pit of endless types of cognitive distortions (Guess what other comps section I failed?) However, I continuously make it a point to self-monitor what I’m allowing myself to believe. If you were to ask my grandmother to provide one word to describe to me, she’d probably say “terca”. I’d like to think this is synonymous with ruthless; however, the latter seems to have a more positive connotation. In all that I do, whether perceived as impulsive or not (turns out research linked this trait to anxiety), I am ruthless in pursing what I feel will benefit the greater good of my family. I understand there are policies, laws, rules, guidelines, systemic regulations, and a slew of other 100 page documents that dictate the life I lead in some shape of form that need to be taken into consideration, but I genuinely believe that the universe will eventually conspire in my favor regardless if people view my actions as reckless or insensitive. I don’t intend to come off as brash, nor do I ask for exception from the majority, but I’m also aware that I lead a very different life from others, as do my classmates, and the other professors that serve in this counselor educator program. To each their own- as one of my former teachers would say. I sincerely believe that each individual is capable of choosing their own destiny and educating themselves about solutions and possible consequences of their actions.

So what now? Well for starters, I continue to run the trails, process this in my personal journal, and self-monitor. I eagerly await the days that I’m afforded the opportunity to reflect on the person I’m becoming and have become. Till then, I’ll graciously continue to indulge in my love of learning and set my own pace for accomplishing goals I see fit.